Below I articulate the ultimate truth and most significant wisdom I have acquired in my attempt to seek love, happiness, and fulfillment from the various relationships I have encountered throughout my life. Rest assured, this wisdom is spoken in all humility as I most certainly obtained it via a lot of trial and error as well as painful lessons learned from approaching this area of my life completely backwards. Nevertheless, all those experiences have taught me some priceless gems which I will share in hopes of helping others discover what I believe to be the unlocking key to experiencing genuine fulfillment, happiness, and a blissful love relationship with another person.

The first thing one must understand is that the only relationship that really matters to you is the one between you and you. What I mean by this is the relationship between the physical and emotional you that is your ego-personality and the part of you that is the highest version of all that you are destined to be. This is the God part of you that you are trying to come into alignment with. Every other relationship is insignificant in comparison to the one between you and the Divine.

However, most people allow the relationships in their life to determine whether or not they are in alignment with the highest versions of themselves. They allow external relationships to pull them out of their alignment with their true selves. They allow the way they feel to be dependent upon the behavior of others. As a result, almost every relationship they have turns out to be their need to control the behavior of others in order to ensure their happiness. This makes almost all of their relationships miserable at best, as well as short-lived.

Some people do need to enter into a new relationship but one with the highest versions of themselves and not another person. If you want to discover what unconditional love really is, you have to remove relationships that have become the condition keeping you from discovering it.

I came to a place in my life where I didn’t want my happiness to be based on whether or not another person was making me happy. I wanted to be happy for myself! If I had to depend on someone else to make me happy and fulfilled, then I was placing the responsibility upon them to keep me content 100% of the time. I grew to a level of maturity, where I wanted to feel good because I had found a way to feel good apart from my external relationships. I didn’t want to give others the responsibility for making me feel good. I needed to show myself that I could be a happy person regardless of what others were doing. I came to realize that once I could convince myself of that, then I could be with someone and live happily ever after. I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with someone because we made one another happy, but because we already knew how to be happy and thus could be together.

With enough personal development and spiritual work, you will ultimately realize that the deepest truth is you do not need anyone in your life to make you happy or fulfilled. Through blockbuster, Hollywood movies like Jerry McGuire, we are often taught the general idea that you need someone to be your second half or to fulfill you.

While it is true that we seek relationships to have love, compassion, excitement, to have someone to do fun things with, to have children, etc., and while there is nothing wrong with any of these things, true love is not finding someone else to complete you. This is not what a healthy relationship is. A healthy relationship is when both parties are confident, independent and happy by themselves. Only then can two people come together and create something greater than the sum of its parts.

You may be feeling lonely right now and thinking, “If only I had that guy or that girl, or if only I could rekindle the spark and have the love I once had in a previous relationship, I would be happy, content, and complete.”

This is actually the biggest problem you are having in attracting a fulfilling relationship in your life. It is not because you aren’t pretty enough or because you are behaving in some weird or wrong way. The above mindset is highly unattractive to others. When you come from this frame of mind, you are repelling people rather than attracting them. When you are desperate and needy, other people do not want to be around you. At least, not the kind of people that you want in your life. When you are housing this mindset, you are going to attract someone that is on that same level. Either you won’t attract anyone at all, or you will attract someone as needy and desperate as you, which will create a dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship. What your soul is longing for is to attract someone to you that is equally confident, stable, and happy in themselves so that when the two of you come together, things click and are incredibly rewarding for you both.

When you are in a needy and desperate position, you are being inauthentic to yourself. You are not really in touch with the fact that you can be happy by yourself. Although you may be calling your relationship love, romance, and fulfillment, you are really just using another person to fulfill a void in your own ego.

Even if you get that perfect person to fit the void you have in yourself, it’s not going to work. It’s no different than thinking you can dominate the corporate ladder, become a millionaire, and you will be happy. The reason this never works is because relationships or monetary comforts will never make someone happy. There is something within the person, within their psychology, that they are not facing. When you avoid this by trying to get a quick fix of sex, companionship, love, or marriage, you are only putting a band-aid on a deeper wound within yourself because the ultimate truth is that you do not need anyone to be inwardly content.

You do not need anyone to fulfill you. You can be completely happy all by yourself. If you don’t feel this way, it’s only because you have not done enough introspection and figured out what your core beliefs are, and what your limiting beliefs and ego deficiencies are. You have yet to realize who you truly are and the power you carry within you. You simply have not done enough spiritual and personal development work to get that part of your life handled.

Once you are inwardly fulfilled, you will become more attractive to those around you. 

You become more attractive when you are 100% authentic, and in order to do this, you have to be 100% confident in who you are. You have to be able to let people come and go in your life without needing to clutch on to them and hold them to you. This applies whether you are single, in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, or even if you are married. Because even if you are married, you should not be attached to your spouse. You should not need that spouse to be in your life for you to feel fulfilled, complete, or happy. If you do, then I can’t say I would be surprised if the relationship eventually turns sour. More than likely, it won’t be able to last, or if it does, both people will probably end up incredibly dissatisfied and miserable. This is because the relationship will have been built on something that’s fake and a counterfeit of divine truth. It will have been established on the co-dependent nature of needing someone else to be responsible for ensuring personal fulfillment and contentment.

Generally, you must come to this deep understanding that there is nothing that anyone in this world can offer you that you cannot offer yourself. I’m not talking about needing someone to fix your car or supply food for you to purchase at your grocery store. I’m talking about the fact that you do not need someone to fulfill you psychologically, spiritually, or emotionally. The more you rely on your parents, your siblings, your spouse, your children, your boss, or anyone else for your happiness, the more psychological dependencies you will have.

The definition of a dysfunctional relationship is two people coming together and needing something from one another. “I need sex, excitement, and love from you. You need security, comfort, money, and love from me.” When you’ve got this trading mentality going on, there will always be fear sandwiched in the middle of the relationship. Both parties will think that if they do something the other person disapproves of, the other person might stop loving them, get upset, angry, and pull something away from them, thus leaving them void of the love, comfort, etc. that they need. This example is a perfect depiction of a relationship based on fear and is in direct opposition to two non-needy entities coming together with an attitude of, “I’m happy. You’re happy. I’m excited to see how this is going to play out.”

If you cannot sit home alone with yourself and be happy and comfortable without going out and distracting yourself with some form of stimulation, for example, television, internet, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc., you’ve got some work to do. If you want to be genuinely and authentically attractive, what you must first do is work on yourself and your psychology. Why do you feel you need that relationship, love, and companionship so badly? Why are you not comfortable in who you are by yourself without needing someone else?

Create a happy life for yourself with beautiful external circumstances. Personally, ensure you have a rich, productive life. Establish a thriving career. Build something that you are passionate about. Solidify your life purpose. Make friends and go on adventures with lovely people that you enjoy hanging out with. Acquire some hobbies that you enjoy. Get your money situation handled. Make sure you are free from addictions like drugs, smoking, alcohol, and over-eating. Create happiness with your family life. Ensure that you have your health and hygiene in order. Take care of yourself to the best of your ability. Develop and mature your spiritual life and practices. Bring yourself into alignment with God in order to cultivate the characteristics and virtues of the Divine so that you can become all you are destined to be. When you can manage all these things, when you can manage you, you’re going to be happy. And who wouldn’t want to be a part of that?

When you get your psychology, your spiritual life, and your external circumstances in order, then you will have created a happy, awesome life for yourself. Then you can be authentic, and others can see you being carefree, joyous, confident, and not desperately needing to extract anything from them. Others will say, “She is so refreshing! I rarely meet someone like that. Her life is infectious and magnetic.” Then, they will naturally become magnetized and attracted to you. This way of life is the secret to building lasting, non-gimmicky relationships.