This week has been a pivotal one for me. I have quietly been pondering the turbulent conditions surrounding us. I have considered the way in which I am accustomed to responding to them. There has and will always be an activist spirit in me, one seeking justice and wanting to expose the truth and silence lies. However, this week there was a shift that took place in me. I will no longer go about expressing my views or doing my part to heal the world the same way in which I have done it in the past. The Spirit took me on a profound journey the past few days and as always when the Spirit speaks, I was left with a new perspective.

Last week I posted on my Facebook wall expressing distrust in our government and agitation with our nation’s current state of being. Although I gave the solution to look within and seek the counsel of the Spirit instead of following after corrupt politicians or the mainstream media which propagates division and separation, I still was giving attention to the problem instead of being the solution I want to see transpire. Whenever we focus on a problem, we only get more of it. Was I really promoting peace by raising more awareness of how twisted and messed up our national leaders have become?

The following morning after I made the post I received a phone call from my cousin and dear friend Melanie. As we began to chat I gave her an open invitation to share what was on her heart. In her wisdom she replied, “Misti, I want you here. You are suppose to be here. You have a wonderful calling and message to share with the world. The way to ensure that happens is by you reading and ingesting only positivity. Feeling good is what is going to untwist that hemangioma in your brain stem. You are a Way-shower, a Healer, and a Light-worker brought here to stand for justice and teach truth. With that said, I understand it is hard not to participate in activism and speaking against wrong doing. However, just for now you MUST focus on your healing. You must heal before you can do all those things. Just until this tumor straightens up look away from politics and from anything that is not pleasing to you. Focus your heart, mind, and attention on everything that is good, true, and beautiful to you. Write about your children and sit in nature and ponder the works of God as you love to do. Cook those beautiful vegan meals you enjoy blogging about. How you spend your time is important to your healing. Focus intently on what makes you happy. If you find yourself in a conversation where you feel like it’s work. Stop. Explain to the person you need to kindly bow out and step away because you have made a commitment to yourself to only focus on what is life-giving to you. Protect yourself, Misti. Follow good. How you feel is going to heal you. For now, only focus on your favorite things. Run fast from thing that aren’t making you feel good.”

Melanie’s words were like a fresh rain. I felt my soul was watered and a thirst I had not realized existed was quenched and nourished. She was right. She was so right! As the day progressed, I could not get her words out of my mind. I pondered them. I chewed over them. I was deeply moved and touched by them. My first thoughts were how these words could also affect others but I realized what she had spoken was the key to much, much more. Her words carried wisdom and truth to unlock unrest, wars, and lack of peace on a global scale.

I may have a physical brain tumor but ALL of us have our “tumors” so to speak. We all have those things in our lives that are threatening our lives or the quality of them. For some it is hatred, bitterness, unforgiveness, or pride. For others it’s a lack of understanding, knowledge, and a love and acceptance for all created beings. For myself and many others it may be a physical issue that is affecting our health and our vitality of life. How can we expect to change what is taking place in our environment without first focusing on ridding ourselves of the “tumors” we carry with us? It reminds me of the words of Christ when he taught us to remove the plank in our own eye before trying to remove one in another’s eye.

This journey is teaching me that the key component to healing is connected to how I feel. How I feel about myself, how I feel about others, and how I feel about God. If I am unbalanced in my beliefs in any of those areas, I see an imbalance in my body and in my environment. What so profoundly affected me this week was realizing that the attention I was giving towards fighting the issue was only making it bigger.

I watched my newsfeed as people were expressing their disgust and opinions regarding the headlines of today’s papers. With every entry I read, I was envisioning another round of gasoline being put on the fire. Is this what the media wants to propagate, more anger, more hate, more frustration, more fear, and more hopelessness? The more we talk about it and give focus to it, the more we FEEL angry, bitter, and disturbed. If feeling good is what warrants my healing, why does feeling good not warrant healing for the whole world? Melanie’s words are not just for right now until my tumor heals. They are forever. They are to keep more “tumors” from appearing.

My brain tumor has been placed where no man can touch it because this struggle is one I must win internally. Man cannot fix it. It has been surrounded by healthy brain stem tissue and to operate would mean cutting through the healthy tissue and causing more damage. Only the work of the Spirit with my participation is going to heal it. Isn’t this simply a physical manifestation of what is true of all disease, sickness, and wars? We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace within ourselves. When we try to forge ahead or place more attention on an issue, when we try to operate with physical weapons we cause more damage than what previously existed.

If we want to shrink the tumor of racism, hatred, separation, and injustice we must begin by looking within our hearts. Not criticizing or judging the hearts of others. This fight can not be one of the flesh. It must be one of the Spirit. We do not need guns and bombs to bring peace. We need love and compassion.

Today I lay down my sword. I lay down my political opinions. War is the fruit of politics and so I won’t involve myself any longer. If I get stuck in politics, I will stop loving because I will have to stand by one and not by all. If I am working for PEACE, that peace will lesson the war that rages among us. If I am focused on my healing, on what is beautiful, good, and true, if I am focused on my favorite things as Melanie explained to me, I am becoming well. I am healing my tumor. I am promoting peace in the political arena and in the world. If this is the path to healing my inoperable brain tumor, is this not the path to healing us all? If we are to have peace on earth, our loyalties must transcend our race, our tribe, our class, our nation, and yes even our religions which have created much division and separation. We must develop a world perspective that warrants love and compassion for ALL.

These week I made a post about Mother Teresa on my Facebook wall. In it I said….

I just read a quote by Mother Teresa when responding to a nurse as they were caring for a man who was dying. When the nurse expressed concern that the man was approaching death Mother Teresa replied, “The greatest suffering is to feel, alone, unwanted, and unloved.

She proceeded to take the man from the small hut in India where he was suffering alone and bring him to the her side where she held his hand, placed warm cloths over his brow, and spoke prayers of love over him as he passed. 

I’m undone.

May we all love greater. May we express God to the lonely and dying and may they feel our great empathy and affection for their souls. Mother Teresa never tried to convert anyone to her faith. She never judged the condition of the soul nor their beliefs, failures, or brokenness. She simply loved and offered healing to the sick and poor. 

May we preach less and teach more. May we live in such a way that the world knows we house the love of God. May we lay down our notions that anything less than pure love can heal or “convert” a soul to a higher and more gracious path. 

When I think telling someone how to live is greater than showing them how to live I have missed the mark. The world doesn’t need my words. They need the love through which they come forth.

You know it’s interesting to me that when Mother Teresa was invited to participate in anti-war demonstrations she responded, “I will not do that but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally I’ll come to that.”

I suppose Mother Teresa already knew what I had yet to learn. The protests, the rants on our Facebook walls, the hours of watching people argue, discuss, and debate the issues on television and social media…. none of it is what will heal this global tumor we all share. It’s only making it larger. We must feel something different before we can see something different. We must love our enemies before they will learn to love us. We must pray for our opponents before we can make peace with them. How can we believe and hope for a world without weapons when we refuse to lay down our own? How can we bring peace when we are still engaged in the fight?

One of the many reasons I will always treasure my brother and teacher, Jesus Christ, was because of his ability to BE peace in the mist of a storm. He never called anyone a disgrace. He never shunned anyone from listening to the truth his Father had revealed to him regarding this kingdom of heaven he spoke of that he said could be found within us all. He never let someone’s religious affiliation, their current lifestyle choices, their race or their beliefs interfere with his ability to love them, teach them, fellowship with them, or heal them. He was not to be put in a box and the only ones he opposed was the religious leaders that kept trying to place him there. Why was that? Had he the ability to see God in all things? Was that how he prayed for those who were hurting him? Did he know somewhere beneath the layers of paint that had been splattered upon them by their socio economic backgrounds or their religious programming that there was a blank canvas where the Spirit of Truth hovered? Where the force of life existed? Had he too much respect for the sacredness of that Divine Force, that he was willing to give of his own life before he allowed his sword to take the life of another? Though Jesus understood he was wrapped in divinity and recognized the Spirit of Truth within him, he never made anyone feel less than him. He requested we call him friend and not master. He wanted us to know that as he was in the world so were we. He didn’t want us to feel victims to this world. He wanted us to understand the power each of us held to change it.

Today I have made a decision to stop worrying about what the rest of the world is doing. To stop looking at what’s wrong. To stop talking about it, to stop giving attention to it but to simply start being what is right! This is how we must heal our global tumor. How we all feel is affecting our global healing.

Recently I recorded a video regarding my diagnosis that struck a chord with many of you. Within one week it was viewed almost 15,000 times.  In it I said that I was choosing to respond in faith and not fear. When we look  at the current diagnosis of our nation, we to must choose to respond with either fear or faith.

Here is what fear says. Fear says this is out of our hands. Fear says there is nothing we can do to change the situation, that it is beyond our control. Fear points to the devil and says the devil is doing this or that God is in control and that he is doing it.

Here is the question I would like to pose. Do you or do you not believe that God lives in you? Is it truly no longer you who live but Christ who lives in you? Do you really believe you carry the same spirit, the same power, the same strength? If I am to believe that God is the only one that can fix the problem, then I am going to look inward for strength, for answers, for hope, for a way out of the darkness. Did not Jesus also teach us that all wars, hate, and division come from within? Perhaps we have been too busy discussing the problem, pointing at those who we believe have created the problem to have the faith to look within and see where we may have contributed TO the problem? Are there any areas in our lives or within our own hearts that are segregated, divided, where we feel more special, more elect, more chosen, more called, more anointed, or more righteous than another? Have we seen God in ourselves but not been capable of seeing His touch in those we despise. Are we still going to blame the devil for all the problems in this world or can we like the Christ say, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.” Perhaps if we truly repented we could SEE this spiritual kingdom he spoke of which such beauty and admiration.  We could feel it. We could release it.

When Jesus went to heal the blind man he asked him, “Tell me. What do you see?” It mattered not that Jesus had healed his sight if he still could not see the truth. Jesus once asked the crippled man lying on his mat, “Do you want to be healed?” Why would Jesus ask such a thing? Because most of us don’t want to look within. We don’t want to accept responsibility for why we are in the positions we find ourselves today. It must be an attack of the devil. It must be God’s will. God does not will you to be sick. God does not will you to be lame. God does not will our country to be broken. God is the life force within us all that aids our restoration and helps us grow, that helps us live, that helps us thrive.

I have heard many of you say that God is the only one that can fix our country. Again I ask you, where is God? Where does he live? I believe God has placed His own Spirit in us, his ultimate treasure in each of us. It is there when we breathe. If we would listen to its guidance we would all have a compass for our souls that would guide to this kingdom we have all been seeking. I have learned in my life I am not here to simply please God. I’m here to express God. I’m here to release God. I here to BE God. I’m here to be Christ. I’m here to do greater things than did he if I can believe I can do them. I’m here to know I have the same mind, the same truth, the same power. And so do you. We are not victims to our circumstances. They are but one possibility. We have the power to create something new.

I pray that we focus less on going to heaven but more on bringing heaven here, in releasing it from the storehouse of our hearts. Hasn’t it always been about God’s will in the heavens being brought to the earth below? Perhaps Jesus is here and we can’t see him. Perhaps he is returning through his people. Speaking through those like you and me. Perhaps we are so busy looking to the clouds, waiting to be whisked away from all the problems and from all the issues, that we miss the Spirit of Christ and one who is from above standing in our mist. History has done it once. Expecting a Savior to come riding upon the clouds yet he appears as one of us, as a baby, as a child raised by human hands. A spirit descended upon him allowing him to herald a greater truth than what his culture knew or understood. He was murdered for failing to adhere to their laws, to their rules, to their religious order. He healed on the sabbath, refused to stone adulterous women to death, mingled with those that weren’t of his own faith. He wasn’t sacrificing and killing birds or burning them on the alter to somehow feel better about himself or make restitution for sin. He was caring for the birds. He wanted us to know that the TRUE Source of Life is aware of every sparrow that falls to the ground and feeds the flocks of the field. He brought a different message and he was willing to give his life to do so. When healing people he would tell them that it was THEIR faith that had made them well. He did not claim to be the miracle worker. He simply wanted people to know they had the power to heal themselves. He wanted them to know they had the power to change their lives and thus the world around them. He wasn’t seeking to escape this world. He was willing to be in it, to bring forth hope and better way to exist here, now, in this moment. He wanted what he found in his beautiful kingdom of heaven that he carried in his heart to be discovered on this earth, in our hearts.

In the 1980’s Israel and Lebanon were in the first Israeli and Lebanon War. Researchers from the United States performed an experiment in the Middle East. They trained individuals to feel the feeling of peace as if it had already happened. This was a famous experiment. It was called the International Peace Project of the Middle East. The results of this experiment were so profound that they were published in the Journal of Conflict Resolution, volume 32, in 1988. Here’s what happened. They trained individuals to go into the war torn areas and feel the feeling as if peace had already happened. They did not judge the war. They did not judge the Israli’s good or bad, the Palestinians good or bad, or the Lebanese good or bad. They removed all judgement and all ego. Each time the practitioners performed the experiment, peace happened. Terrorist activity stopped all together. Crimes against people declined. Emergency room and hospital visits declined. Automobile accidents declined. When the practitioners stopped their experiment, all of those statistics reversed and everything went back to normal. The researches thought maybe it was a coincidence, maybe it was because of a holiday, maybe it was because there was a full moon, or maybe it’s because there were more people on the streets one day than another. So they did the experiment over and over and over and over. Every time the results were the same. In fact, they were able to determine how many people it would take to feel peace for peace to happen in that area. Surprisingly, they found it to be a very small number. They discovered that if you can get the square root of 1% of your population to feel peace, peace will happen. Let’s say you have a city of one million people. You take the square root of one million and multiply it by .01 which gives you the number 10,000. Then you find the square root of 10,000 which is 100. In a city of one million people, if there are only 100 people that know the language of peace, they can begin to experience peace. What does that mean for our planet? Let’s say the population of earth was six billion people. If we take 1% of sixty billion we are left with sixty million people. If we take the square root of sixty million people, the number of people needed to create peace would be 7,746. How many of us have a Facebook page with a minimum of 1,000 friends? Seven Facebook pages communicating and radiating a message of peace could literally change the world.

We have the ability to speak peace to the elements around us and create peace. We can speak peace to our bodies. We can speak peace to the world. It begins with what we are holding in our thoughts and in our emotions. We live our lives based on what we believe about our world. How we feel is affecting whether or not we are experiencing peace in this world. Should our concern be what is going on around us or what emotions we are carrying with us?

Do you want this world to heal? Heal you.

Do you believe you’re a victim? Or do you believe you are victorious? To you respond with fear? Or do you respond with faith?

Perhaps looking around at our current circumstances is like being told our nation has a brain tumor. Perhaps we could look at the situation like it will continue to grow and bleed and cause such damage that ultimately we will be forced to operate on a place once deemed inoperable and upon doing so we will be left more damaged than ever before. Perhaps we could see things this way but for me this was the path of fear, not faith, not hope, and not belief. Not a path of acknowledging I housed the treasure of heaven within my heart. Not acknowledging I was Christ and Christ was me, that we were One. Not acknowledging that see I could do a new thing with what God had already given me, with what has always been with me. Not believing that a devil was attacking me or that a God was punishing me. But responding with truth. Responding with faith. Responding with a belief in my ability to change the outcome of my life with the power God has placed within me. I looked deep within my own heart. Within my own soul. I asked myself the hard questions. Jesus says we reap as we have sown. What seeds of untruth have I sown in my mind that have harmed me. What thoughts have I planted that are no longer serving me? Am I brave enough to not blame God but to see God as the force within guiding me to the truth. Ushering me away from the lies that have ensnared me to begin with. I repented. I cried. I asked for God’s help. Not with this idea that God was outside of me or above or removed from me. But that God was the One who was loving me and willing to help me find this inward treasure called the kingdom of heaven, a place where one is at peace amidst a raging storm. A place from which I can release peace to both myself, my friends, my enemies, and to the world.

You see. It is not hopeless. The story of your life has not been written for you. At least not without your consent. I believe in free will. I believe in FREEDOM. I believe the true Spirit of Christ will set you free. Free from yourself. Free from what is harming you. Free from the lies you’ve believed about yourself, about God, about your enemies, about the world. I don’t believe God put this on me without somewhere perhaps before I even arrived here I consented to this path. I needed this journey. My soul needed this journey. Those who are walking with me chose it to. I could not see what I see now had I not selected this hardship. The God part of me has always been working everything for my good. Even believing a lie if the lie would one day serve to help me find the truth. For without darkness the seed could not grow. Without darkness none us would understand or know how to enjoy and appreciate the Light as we do. I wanted to see the darkness. My soul wanted to see it. It was in the darkness that I found the light.

So here is what I say to you. As deep darkness is rising upon our land so too is the Light of God rising within the people. There is goodness there. There is light there. There is truth there. There is healing there for the world. All is well. All is as it should be. Often times the so called bad guys in the story are also serving an important role. The evil is often used to perfect and heal as well, much like the fire purifies the gold. Often times if are brave enough to acknowledge it we realize they are but mirrors for what God is trying to so lovingly show is dwelling within our own hearts. Like the sand to the pearl, we often need an irritant to purify our souls and make us shine.

Jesus did not teach us to pray away the storm. He told us in this current realm we live in that we would have trouble. He told us to pray that we may be strengthen through the storm. His heart was always to teach us to walk upon the waters in the mist of the storms. He wanted us to cheer up, to step out of the boat, and to know He had already overcome the fears, the death, the diseases, and the wars. And he wanted us to know that we could too.

I often wonder if Jesus wants me waiting for him or being him. How CAN I long for him? How CAN I miss him? How can I be awaiting him? How can I? When we are already together? We share the same Spirit. He hasn’t left me or forsaken me. He is with me. I feel him. I know him. How can I mourn him? He’s my best friend. We talk everyday.

Perhaps we should all stop preaching about him and simply be like him. Simply come like a child. Children love everybody. They accept anyone. They don’t stop their friends on vacation or at a random playground to ask the child beside them what nationality there are, or if they’re a Christian or not, if they are pro-choice or pro-life. They don’t ask them what they do for a living or what socio economic class they belong to. Whether or not they are a democrat or a republican doesn’t seem to effect whether or not they qualify to push them in the swing or play with them on the slide. They don’t seem to care if their black or white. They don’t ask if they have a sexual preference or even if they believe Jesus has saved them from their sins. And they certainly aren’t speculating as to whether or not they have committed any sins. None of these things seem to matter when it comes to whether or not a child will play with another child, will love another child, will have compassion or feeling of caring for another child. Perhaps this is why Jesus said that none of us can enter in or understand the kingdom of heaven lest we come like a child.

So I just wanted everyone to know I’m coming like a child. I not going to feed the fire any longer. Every time we turn on our tv’s and participate in the madness, every time we rant on our Facebook walls and draw attention to the problem, we only feed it and make it larger. Is it not true we become that which we focus our minds upon? As a man thinketh in his heart so is he. Is this why Mother Teresa would not attend an anti-war rally? Is this why we should look away and not allow our consciousness to be effected by the disease running rampant in our nation? I know it is why I chose to not see a brain tumor but a possibility for something more divine. How do you feel when you look upon it? When you read the article? When you watch the news? HOW DO YOU FEEL? As Melanie told me, “How you feel determines how you heal.” Do you feel good? Are those things making you happy? Your emotions ARE effecting the outcome of this world. And if I may but make a suggestion I would urge that, “Whatsoever things are true. Whatsoever things are honest. Whatsoever things are just. Whatsoever things are pure and lovely. Whatsoever things are of a good report. If there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Think upon these things.”

May my life be a beacon of hope for ALL people. May my life be an icon of compassion for all religions, all nationalities, all backgrounds, and all beliefs. May I rid myself of anything that separates me from those who believe differently than me or look differently than me. May I heal as Jesus did. May I not judge someone nor see anyone as unworthy of God’s touch. May I live the life of Christ more so than any desire to convert a soul. Jesus did not come to convert us. He came to love us. He came to heal us. He came to walk in our shoes and carry our burdens. He came to show us a way to salvation, a way to his beautiful kingdom that he said was here, in our mist. May we lay aside our seminary degrees and our bible thumping rhetoric and simply be like Jesus to those that don’t necessarily fit into our mold or definition of being chosen or elect. May we come like a child as did our precious Christ.

I would like to close this writing with a prayer by St. Francis of Assisi that says…

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace,
that where there is hatred, I may bring love;
that where there is wrong,
I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;
that where there is discord, I may bring harmony;
that where there is error, I may bring truth;
that where there is doubt, I may bring faith;
that where there is despair, I may bring hope;
that where there are shadows, I may bring light;
that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to
comfort than to be comforted;
to understand, than to be understood;
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

~ Misti Rains Howell