Several weeks ago my mouth began to have numbness accompanied by the entire right side of my body. Inside my mouth felt like I had been given a shot of Novocain. My body felt similar to the feeling one gets after an epidural is wearing off. With tingling sensations running up and down my head and little jolts of electrical shocks, I wondered if God might be officially activating my super powers. I felt like I was giving the term “housing the power of God” a whole new meaning.
Yesterday two back to back MRI’s both 45 minutes long confirmed my theory of transforming into Electro Girl to be widely inaccurate. Nevertheless, I do plan on using these new sensations to expand my imagination to new heights.
The neurologist called before we had gotten home to inform us of the results.
I have arteriovenous malformation (AVM) which is an abnormal tangle of blood vessels in the brain or spine. Mine is in my brain stem and the danger is that it can hemorrhage at any moment. You can read more about it here (http://www.mayfieldclinic.com/PE-AVM.htm).
Apparently, this is a very serious and rare condition. Because of its rareness, only a few neurosurgeons specialize in treating or operating on these kinds of malformations. We will be meeting with one of them the beginning of next week at UAB in Birmingham. In the meantime, I’m to avoid accelerating my heart rate or blood pressure in any way. So of course Rex is making sure his kisses are censored and placed on a strict release program to ensure my heart can handle it. Yes, given a life and death situation has presented itself, we can still laugh. Life lesson number one, humor heals.
So that’s pretty much all we know right now. Something’s wrong with my brain. This is not going to come as a shock to most of you. Lol! We will know much more next week. Given the placement in the brain stem we don’t know if it’s operable yet. Radiation is also an option as well as a few other things.
I’ve also learned that this is something I was born with. As I’m understanding, the vessels eventually get weaker and larger as you age and can put pressure on other things or cause a bleed in the brain.
With all that said, I am at complete peace. God was so kind to give me symptoms of numbness and weakness to alert me to the issue before a hemmorage occurred. I am learning to be grateful in every circumstance and especially in the mist of significant challenges in my life. Perhaps throughout this experience God wants to use it as a way to unblock wrongful mental mindsets and not just arteries, veins, and capillaries. There’s no doubt a scare with death or a significant obstacle in anyone’s life can serve as a beautiful, refining fire. My soul matters most. My prayer is that this experience purify my heart, mind, and soul as well as those who love me to an even greater degree. May this trial be used as a catalyst to discovering more intimacy with God and His magnificent Spirit of Truth, the greatest gift I have ever received.
I believe we are brought to this physical plane to learn valuable eternal truths and virtues that we carry for all time. This life is but just a moment but that moment could change everything. I have every intention of making it count!
Also, please pray for my husband, my children, my mother, step-dad, sister, dad, and those that love me the deepest. Pray that in the coming days, God would hold them a little tighter with that awesome, reassuring embrace of His. May my children know the deep, abiding LIFE GIVING force that pulsates through my entire being and that has already given me perfect health. May the Truth of God’s wisdom give them a peace beyond comprehension.
Here’s to another adventure! Here’s to embracing the plan! Here’s to fulfilling your purpose!
I think it’s time now to write that book. It’s been sitting dormant inside of me waiting for the RIGHT TIMING. I think I just discovered it. Riley, Jack, and Kate, Mommy has a lot to say. I’ll be writing for you. ❤️
The image below confirms that at least we now know I definitely have a brain. 😜😉
5.18.16
I’ve spent a lot of time today admiring all of you. I’m reading all your generous words via comments or private messages. I haven’t replied back quite yet. I’m just letting them absorb into my spirit and flow into my heart. With all the issues going on in the world right now and all the things that could separate us, I’m noticing through all of this a common thread that binds us all….love.
Love for one another.
There seems to be this endless supply radiating throughout all of you. I’m taking notice. We tend to want to focus on the sadness and depravity of this world often repeatedly reported through the media, etc. Yet look at all the good springing forth like a gushing fountain from the hearts of each one of you.
Today as I was thinking of all the love aimed at my family and me I kept seeing this picture of all this love being absorbed and poured into a bottle until it was so full it could no longer be capped and began to spray all over the room. Similar to when a bottle of champaign opens and burst into a room full of cheerful people ready to celebrate a special occasion. I then began to imagine all this love was stored inside of a rocket and sent to war torn areas, riots, protests, to Washington and the heart of our government, into homes, and most importantly into hearts. I saw a miniature version of this bottled love aimed directly to the malformation in my brain. I sent the rocket full of your love to my family to heal any fears they may be carrying. I sent it to others I know who are struggling with illness both in their body and those with hurts that are wounding their soul.
The words of Jesus Christ echo through my mind, “Love One Another.” Could it be that simple? Did he understand a higher truth? Could there be an unlocking fountain of healing and restorative power for ourselves and our world by following three simple words?
The past twenty-four hours the LOVE you have sent my way has felt like being wrapped in a warm blanket on a cold, winter’s night. I think Jesus knew something so profound and I pray we all do this one simple thing more and more.
Love.
Why? Because love CONQUERS ALL.
Keep sending your rockets of love. They are locked and loaded and aimed straight for the heart. The earth needs them. Mankind needs them. And goodness knows, this week my family and I have needed them.
I’m not exactly sure what the neurologist was thinking when he said I shouldn’t do anything to accelerate my heart rate. Did he see my husband?! Hello! I live with THIS gorgeous man and he regularly does things that make my heart skip an entire beat! Thanks for the flowers, sweet man. #thestruggleisreal👫❤️
5.22.16
Today is Kate’s 6th birthday party. For those of you who know me, I am quite the Pinterest Mom when it comes to decorating for a party. I actually delight in it. There’s just something I find fulfilling in celebrating every detail about the person I love in every detail of the preparations. For weeks now Kate and I have been scrolling through Pinterest together selecting what projects we would do to decorate for her birthday. We carefully chose what treats we would make for her friends and what fun and yummy goodies we would jazz up for the party table. All the materials were collected and with days before the party all was selected and ready for the big event.
Then life happened.
“Mrs. Howell, your MRI results showed something very serious located in your brain stem. It’s called an Arteriovenous Malformation and it’s what been causing your numbness. We will be sending you to a neurosurgeon in B’ham for the next steps. In the meantime, to avoid any bleeding in your brain we want you to remain calm and still. Please don’t do anything that could raise your blood pressure or heart rate.”
One would assume that very statement would trigger some form of uncontrollable heart palpitations. But even as the words were spoken, the Holy Spirit released strongly throughout my body with a peace that passes all understanding. A heavenly, out of this world, optimism filled my heart. A mighty release of the inner spiritual kingdom I have come to dwell in rose powerfully within me and a fading away of this world and all its trivial concerns seemed to vanish as I delighted in an inner feast of peace and joy. Oh death, where is your victory? Oh death, where is your sting? I giggled a little inside. He keeps thee in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee.
Statistics and worldly threats seemed trivial but the party…. the party, now that’s something different! My expression of love for my Little Princess, the Apple of My Eye, INTERRUPTED?! Now, THIS had me bothered.
With my husband, mother, and sister issuing strict orders not allowing me to hustle and bustle in my usual party mania, blissful state, I was forced to execute a Plan B. As I was in the mist of tossing out one crafty project after another, I was also being enveloped by three super heroes. First my sister calls, “What’s the most important thing you want done for Kate’s party? What errands did you have to do today? I’m on my way to Tiger Town and just consider it done.”
Unable to hold back the tears I replied, “Well, there’s this table display I had planned for Kate. She and I picked it out together and it requires me making a Power Puff Girl City for the backdrop. I was planning on gathering extra shoe boxes today from the shoe stores to make the city buildings. I had also planned to get some background paper from the Teacher Store and the backdrop and additional paper from Hobby Lobby. Then there’s Party City still left and groceries. I’ll need ice cream and spoons and …..this is just too much. I can’t stand asking ya’ll to…”
I hear Rex, “I’ve got the Teacher Store, the Grocery Store, and Party City. Make me your list!”
Brandi replies, “Don’t you worry a thing about it. I’ve got the boxes and and back ground and anything else you need just text me. I’m on my way!”
In the meantime, I hear Rex texting my Mom, “Can you come over here this evening? We need hands for cutting, glueing, and stuffing treat bags!” I hear my Mom, “I’m on it! I would love too!”
Although the party table was reduced to simply cake and ice cream, a backdrop, and treat bags, I no longer cared about the Powder Puff Cheese Balls or the intricately placed Fruit Kabobs. Watermelon popsicle sticks were no longer apart of my worries. Instead a deep feeling of gratitude was pulsating through every fiber of my body. My heart felt tight and squeezed in the best possible way and a little lump began to form in my throat. Is is possible I could be thanking God for an Arteriovenous Malformation in my brain stem? Is it even possible I would thank God for the blessing of feeling what this experience is giving me? The passage, “Count it all joy” began to resonate in my Spirit. “Consider it all joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, knowing this, that the trying of your faith worth patience. But let patience have HER perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, WANTING NOTHING.” James 1:2-3.
On a side note, I noticed Patience was a she. Of course Patience would be a woman. Sorry to interrupt the story. God and I had a little moment of laughter there. Please excuse.
Anyway, here’s the point. It IS blessed to give. But we must also learn to embrace the beauty of learning to RECEIVE. Sitting back while others assumed my responsibilities with joy and delight in their hearts was such a gift. Why do we often rob others from the same token that has provided us so much fulfillment? I have to admit. Receiving has been a hard life lesson for me. Perhaps I have lived too long thinking I wasn’t valuable unless I was making a contribution to someone. Perhaps God is showing me some things are literally twisted in my brain for a reason and He has gifted me with an experience that will enable me to uncoil them. Maybe someone else has believed this mind lie as well. When did we start believing that our very existence is not enough to warrant love, attention, and affection? I want my brain to know and I want my friends to know that in your nothingness you are still everything that is and will ever be. You are divinity wrapped inside humanity and THAT in itself is worthy of you being loved, provided, and cared for by God, by others, and by the whole wide world. Without any contributions, you are already enough simply because of WHO GOD HAS MADE YOU TO BE. You are worthy. You are divine.
Today as my precious angels surround me, I am not feeling guilty. I am not feeling I am a burden. I am not feeling sorry for those who are having to help me with my chores, obligations, or responsibilities. Those days are officially over. I am happy. I am grateful. I am learning a lesson I NEEDED to learn. I don’t have to apologize. I can simply say two wonderful words from the sincerest parts of my heart, “Thank you.”
If you are suffering an illness where others have been placed in a position to care for you, whether it’s the common cold or something more serious, did you know you are worth being cared for? Don’t amplify your illness with feelings of being a burden. Embrace your journey. Perhaps God and the truest parts of yourself have chosen this experience because your soul needed this journey for a reason. And maybe your devoted caregivers have also been given this as a gift for their soul journey as well. God’s ways are higher than our own. Let’s seize the design formulated for our lives. Let’s ridiculously TRUST the process and let’s radically HOPE in the wonderful future prepared for us.
And as for my angels, my caregivers (a.k.a. my precious family and friends), there is a scripture in the book of Hebrews that states, “…for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.” Angels mean special messengers of God. Angels often incarnate into human bodies to play a very special role and provide a sacred message from God, some with their voices and some with their lives. To my angels, I see you. I see every detail of your love so intricately displayed. I hear you. I receive every truth you’ve echoed before me. I am listening.
And to my precious little Angel from God, Kate Diann Bryson: Know this, my Little Love. You are deeply loved. Today we celebrate you. One day when you are older and read this message, I pray you will know how Mommy delighted in rejoicing in your life. You and your brothers are my ultimate treasure. May the Kingdom and Light placed in my heart flow abundantly into yours and may it radiate through you and carry you blissfully throughout all the days of your magnificent life. I love you, Sweetheart. As you like to say, “To infinity and beyond!”
Well, there’s GOOD NEWS and BAD NEWS but DON’T WORRY, even the bad news can be made GREAT.
After examining my MRI’s results, the neurosurgeon at UAB said that I do not have an AVM as the neurologist in Montgomery originally thought but instead it’s called a Cavernous Malformation. You can go to http://rarediseases.org/rare-diseases/cavernous-malformation/ to learn more about it. Although the symptoms present the same, AVM’s are more volatile as the blood runs straight from the arteries to the veins. Apparently, I have capillaries making mine less volatile. AVM’s are high-flow lesions with rapid blood movement, while CCM’s (Cerebral Cavernous Malformations) are low-flow lesions. There are only a few doctors that treat my situation and they see patients due to the most severe to the least. Those with AVM’s obviously get the first appointments. As a result, my appointment with the neurosurgeon will be on June 28, their first available for a new patient.
First I will list the facts and then my response:
“Cerebral Cavernous Malformations (CCM) are present in up to 0.5% of the general population. Cavernous malformations are dilated blood vessels that are characterized by multiple distended “caverns” of blood-filled vasculature through which the blood flows very slowly. Vessels of a cavernous malformation lesion have a tendency to leak because they lack the proper junctions between neighboring cells as well as the necessary structural support from smooth muscle and stretchable material (elastin). Leakage (bleeding) from these vascular lesions is the underlying cause of clinical symptoms associated with the illness.
Individuals with cerebral cavernous malformations present with a wide variety of symptoms; some affected individuals may have no symptoms at all while others may experience headaches or neurological deficits including weakness in the arms or legs, problems with memory or balance, or difficulties with vision or speech. Hemorrhagic stroke and seizures are the most severe symptoms caused by cavernous malformations. Manifestation of symptoms varies by the individual and is dependent on the location of the lesion and on its propensity to bleed.”
My neurologist in Montgomery said what makes my situation particularly difficult is that my CCM is located in the brain stem which is a dangerous area to mess with. He said there are so many neurotransmitters, etc. in that location that if tampered with can cause brain damage, paralysis, etc. He said that in his entire career he has never had one of his patients have their brain stem operated on. Apparently, issues in the brain stem are often not treated with neurosurgery due to the complications in vital parts of the brain. The neurologist told me that when I get to the neurosurgeon they will be “scratching their heads with what to do with me.”
With all the facts mentioned above, here is what I want everyone to know. I have tasted and seen the love of God. I have felt it pulsate through my entire being. It is a force so purifying that when fully experienced it eradicates all doubt, fears or worry. Love conquers all those things including negative emotions and worrisome thoughts. To think of this experience as anything more than a gift from God would be questioning His tremendous love for me and desire to work everything for my highest good. I do not feel like I am under a satanic attack as some have mentioned to me. Nor do I feel the need to whip out a sword and start fighting some evil force hell bent on my annihilation. I feel encased and protected by the Divine Will of a Force so loving, gracious, and kind that to doubt its good will towards me would be almost downright absurd. My only response at this point is, “Thank you for this experience God. What exactly is it here to teach me? You and me, together forever. We are ONE. I wanna see everything you want me to see.”
If you still view God as some outside force that wants to punish you for your mistakes, please stop. You’re making whatever situation you’re in 10x worse. God doesn’t want to punish you. He wants to teach you. The majority of what we are experiencing in our lives is based on the principle of sowing and reaping and a few simple words of wisdom specifically, “As a man thinketh so is he.” God is the life force within you that wills you to succeed, to live, to heal, to thrive, and to live an abundant life. He is cheering for you! With that said, we can also manifest difficult experiences as part of a predestined, divine will for our lives. Ultimately, if embraced, these trials stand to be for the highest good of our soul as well as the souls around us. To fully receive this truth requires surrender and 100% trust that God loves you with such an intense magnitude that to allow a “thorn” in your life must serve a purpose greater than the result of its temporary affliction. It is a purpose that will prosper and enrich you both in this life and eternity.
As human beings hell bent and determined to avoid pain at any cost, we often have one limiting mindset regarding a storm, struggle or affliction in our life. If it is causing us temporary pain, suffering, or making us uncomfortable, it must be an attack from the big, scary devil or we did something horribly wrong to deserve it. Rarely do we see these experiences as gifts. Rarely do we see them as purifiers to make us come forth as pure gold. Nevertheless, Jesus taught us some circumstances are simply meant to bring more glory into our lives, glory to God and to exhault us as a City on a Hill. You truly are the salt of the earth. Why would we not welcome anything that would make us shine brighter?
I actually think God has set this up in a pretty cool way. Since most people won’t operate on the brain stem and the CCM has a tendency to leak and grow, it’s looking as if I may have only one option…..to heal supernaturally. No seriously, how cool is that?! I’ve always said you can’t take people somewhere you haven’t been. God has arranged for me to apply everything I know about the power of the mind, the laws of the universe He has so beautifully established, and the Life-Giving Spirit within me. I feel like I have studied and prepared and it’s the final exam! And WHEN I pass this test, I’m going to share everything I know. I’m going to teach others how to overcome their statistic, diagnosis, and physical realm/reality-based issues.
The doctor’s may be scratching their heads as to what to do with me and fixing the symptoms I am having may be harder than we could have imagined, BUT this does present the perfect opportunity for God to do what only He can do. I’m going to be releasing His Spirit from within the powerhouse of my earthly temple to every vein and nerve in my body. It’s time for me to merge the spiritual kingdom within and the physical realm without. The veil has been torn. May we live each day with a knowing that as God wills in heaven above so He wills on earth below.
Thanks to all of you for filling my heart with love and affection. Your encouragement and prayers for me and my family is helping to flood my soul with divine optimism. I am working on replying back to every comment sent our way. They are each so wonderfully precious to me.
I am still. I am physically uncomfortable but spiritually at peace. I am thankful. I am seeing what appears to be an inoperable situation an opportunity for divine intervention. I believe that when we overcome difficult situations in our lives we gain an authority in the Spirit and an anointing to take others through the process victoriously. We heal in order that we may heal. I am ready for this journey and I am deeply grateful for everyone that comes along for the journey with me.
Again, this is just how I CHOOSE to live life, to see life, to experience life. When I have to send you to a website called rarediseases.org formulated by the National Organization for Rare Disorders so you can read about my diagnosis, I smile and see an opportunity for an incredible testimony. Happiness is a choice. I choose LIFE.
I love you all so very much and will keep you posted.
What is the migraine teaching me? What am I learning from the constant sleepiness? What has the weakness and numbness shown me? What is the purpose of the suffering? What is this experience teaching me?
The difficulties and hardships we encounter can create meaning and depth to our lives. Good CAN COME from suffering and perhaps even begin the journey to wisdom. It’s also unavoidable and an essential part of every human life. Illness, loss of loved ones, disappointment, decline, death, limitations, and imperfections startle and shake us. But they awaken us to find meaning, dignity, and significance in our lives. They open the heart to pure compassion and newfound creative energy.
I love my journey. My head may hurt but my heart now knows compassion in a realm I had not previously known. The illness may be effecting my head but the result has touched my heart. I’ll take the latter.
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