No More Weeds

When I created this blog and my new website I was full of energy and expectation. I was preparing to begin a four year program at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing for a Bachelor of Science Degree in Healing. I was thrilled for the journey of self discovery awaiting me and learning how I could be a greater aid to those in need of physical, emotional, spiritual, or mental healing. Little did I know I was about to be diagnosed with a cerebral cavernous malformation in an inoperable area of my brainstem. CCM also called cavernous hemangioma or cavernous angioma is a type of blood vessel malformation where a collection of dilated blood vessels form a benign tumor. It is the leakage of blood, known as a hemorrhage from these vessels that causes a variety of symptoms known to be associated with this disease. Come to find out I had already hemorrhaged and not known it. This bleed was causing symptoms of numbness, weakness, and headaches in my body. These symptoms were just to name a few.

There is a quote that says:

I feel like this quote could be my mantra for this stage of my life. Still learning to love myself, still needing a dose of my own medicine and still carrying this deep, burning passion to heal others in every sense of the word. Although I was the queen of preaching, “You can’t take someone somewhere you haven’t been,” I wasn’t expecting to go where my current circumstances have taken me. I wasn’t prepared to LITERALLY endure my life being threatened with a disease in order to discover the path to overcoming it. Yet, this IS what I currently face and I am determined to learn everything this experience is here to teach me.

I decided to make this blog a journal of my journey, from broken to beautiful I suppose. A more accurate truth, however, would be to untangle the misconceptions attached to such statements.

We don’t truly transform from broken to beautiful until we are able to recognize and appreciate the beauty that exists in our broken place.

The feelings of inadequacy, fear, doubt, rejection, and unworthiness are just as important as our feelings of worth, belonging, love, belief, and acceptance. They are both given as gifts to teach us something about ourselves.

I happen to believe in what Jesus spoke regarding what brings harm upon someone. He said, “There is nothing that enters a man from outside which can defile him; but the things which come out of him, those are the things that defile man.” (Mark 7:15-16) Buddha articulated the same truth by saying, “What we are today comes from our thoughts yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life tomorrow: our life is the creation of our mind.” I suppose believing these truths places me in a category of embracing karma and the universal principle that we reap as we have sown.

This journey is causing me to look inward and ask myself where I might have sowed negative or unproductive belief patterns that have not served me well.

In ancient traditions, the shaman, medicine man, or healer of the village would isolate people deep in the forest when they were sick be that emotional, spiritual, or physical illness. They believed when you place someone in solitude surrounded only by nature the person has no way to hide from himself or to avoid different, uncomfortable sensations and unpleasant emotions. In today’s world, we are so separated from nature that stepping into something like a rainforest is like astronauts stepping into space. If you take today’s generation away from their cell phones, social media, television, computers, books, movies, toys, games, and the constant sources of entertainment distracting us and place us in a quite spot in nature, most of us would have a very difficult time staying for any length of time.  How many of us could last a few minutes much less hours, days or weeks as did the Christ when he spent forty days alone in the wilderness? I suppose it would be quite uncomfortable in the beginning. One of the reasonings and significance behind doing this was to get out of any patterns be them social, emotional, or mental that someone had previously established as way of life. The time away and in isolation would give those patterns time to die.

People would go to the wilderness or the jungle to die and be reborn in a sense.

This time in solitude would allow them to feel again, to feel everything…sadness, anger, confusion, perhaps self pity. There was nothing to distract them from facing themselves, no other options to turn to. There wasn’t a song to listen to or a Facebook status update to read. There was no “checking out” or turning on a motivational youtube video to help them out of a slump. There was no phones to dial a friend and no business or work load responsibilities to busy their minds. They had to acknowledge and face what they were feeling…alone…in the stillness…in the black of night. Just them, their thoughts, and the sounds of crickets or the pitter patter of rain falling on their tent. Naturally as the process unravels, breakthroughs and often breakdowns would happen. People would go deeper into themselves where they would uncover deeper layers and different negative seeds that had been planted. Being with ourselves for a prolonged period of time allows us to recognize those things. In this way we are able to deal with a lot of repressed emotions and feelings within ourselves.

Although I have yet to track into a rainforest, I have been able to experience the above process during meditation and embrace a “mental” wilderness of sorts. The quite moments of pondering and listening to my spirit and soul have revealed deep layers of unconsciously negative seeds sown.  Layer by layer I am uprooting each one on my path to healing.

Every flourishing garden must be cultivated by a gardener who is willing to remove the weeds.

I suppose being diagnosed with an inoperable tumor in my brain stem which is wreaking havoc on my nervous system makes me more than willing to remove the weeds. It does more than gently nudge me into a place of deep mediation and isolation. What I am finding is that this time of pondering, asking the tough questions, connecting to the Source of the Universe, and facing myself has been more than healing. This has been the greatest experience of my life. I can’t help but believe this opportunity has been given to me as a gift. If only every one would spiritualize their ailments, face them head on, and be willing to enter the wilderness and die a joyous death to that which no longer serves them. To release those things which either consciously or subconsciously they allowed to be planted and has caused disease of the spirit and now the body. Rebirth is an essential part of the the healing process.

As a man thinketh in his heart so is he. Our consciousness towards ourselves, towards the Source of Life, and towards others MATTERS. It is effecting us.

When we believe wrongly in any of these areas, ultimately these negative thoughts will move from the energetic field surrounding us and take up residence within us. If they are not cast down or cast aside, the negative energy emanating from these destructive thought patterns begin to affect our physical bodies. This is where disease comes from. It is not punishment from an angry, condemning God perched on a cloud in the sky.

If you sow poison into a field, you reap poison for a harvest.

If you believe you are a wretched, filthy rag who will continue to sin and mess up, I guarantee that not only will you continue in this behavior but you will also physically look the part. You will never find the rich, abundant, fruitful, righteous, life you are seeking to obtain. This is why there are passages in almost every religion urging us to take every thought captive that sets itself against the knowledge of Christ, or the knowledge of the truth. We are not just fed via physical nourishment. We are also taking in spiritual nourishment, spiritual energy, based on what we believe. If we don’t believe as Jesus taught that the kingdom of God is in our midst or as other interpretations read that it is within us, then we will never believe it is possible to obtain a state of heavenly bliss here on this earth.

I am learning that when I remove the distractions and am brave enough to face this journey with myself, the truth regarding the spiritual state of my ‘inner man’ is revealed. This lays a foundation for the necessary spiritual instruction and meditative, mental work to be done which is enabling me to regain health, vitality, new perspectives and goals as well as a deepening capacity for unconditional love.

I believe my Higher Self, the God part of me, knew what I truly desired. I believe it is not an accident that this area of twisted blood vessels would be positioned in an area of my brain where they could not physically operate. This is forcing me to spiritually operate and remove the disease. I like that they call it a malformation. I am in God. God is in me. We are one flesh, one spirit, and one unit.

Together WE will mold and shape a new possibility.

I am not waiting on the mercy of God to heal me. God always wills healing and life. I am not waiting on God. God has been waiting patiently and with unconditional love for ME!

However, before the new mind emerges first an untangling of the old patterns. No more toxic thoughts. No more being afraid to express my thoughts or opinions for fear of rejection or abandonment. No more believing I have to be contributing something to feel valuable. My hands and mouth are numb from performing and my body is saying, “No more.” My muscles are tired of fighting to belong. My nerves are tired of transmitting a message through my body that isn’t true. They want to send a message of truth. They want to relax and remove the pressure.

They are tired of seeking for significance when they are supposed to rest and be fulfilled in knowing who they already are. They ARE loved. They ARE needed. They ARE wanted. They ARE ALREADY valuable.

Somehow I began to adopt this belief that people did not enjoy spending time with me without this incessant need to hold their attention. Perhaps it has stemmed from the hours of conferences and network marketing training or the subconscious programming of the Facebook newsfeed to capture an audience, establish a following, and build your brand. Somewhere along the way of listening to the voices say you can’t talk longer than this or write longer than that, I was effected by it all. My desire to share and contribute the gifts God has so graciously bestowed upon me was stifled by the idea they had to be packaged in a way that would be warmly received by others.

I let the people pleasing spirit take hold of me.

I felt like a child entrapped playing with the dominant kid who only wanted to play if things were on their terms, if they were the teacher and I was the student, or if they were winning the game. So I cowed to the notion that if I won or if I got to play on my terms, my playmate would leave and abandon me. To avoid this horrific withdrawal of time and attention, I continued to make my playmate happy. The idea was that if  I continued to make her feel special and place the attention and focus on her, I would be included and loved. If I continued to lift her up and help her shine, if I always made it about her, she would stay and want to play with me. Then I would be loved and rewarded.

What causes a mindset like this to emerge in the human psyche? Without even realizing it I had adopted the mindset that no one could possibly be interested in just me. Inevitably and at some point after failing to win their approval, they would become disinterested and leave. I had become prey to the idea the world had fed me that I must have some special gift that is rare and unique. I must possess something that people need and want so I can serve them, so they will want me, so they will want to spend time with me, so they will want to love me. I needed to stand out and compete so I would be chosen over the others. Subconsciously, this is what I believed I must do if I wanted to obtain affection, love, and admiration.

Enough with the hog wash. You get the point. No wonder my brain got twisted into a mess! Isn’t that exhausting and yet many of us have slowly been seduced into this trap of lies. Here is the TRUTH, one the Spirit has had to work hard to impress upon me due to years of wrongful programming.

You were born to collaborate not compete. You are designed to serve and assist others from a place of fulfillment not to satisfy a need for acceptance or significance.

In these moments of stillness and facing myself, the Spirit has shown me that I have not learned to be loved unless I am contributing something to someone to “earn my place.” In fact, I am ashamed to say that I use to advise people who wanted to build a following on their Facebook wall to not talk about themselves or to only do it in the context of helping someone else. I can literally remembering telling others, “No one really wants to hear about you. They are really only interested in themselves. Speak to their needs and wants and they will have a reason to follow you.” How backwards and messed up was that advice?! I shared that because it was what I believed to be true. It’s how I saw the world.

I believed that way because I did not know how to truly receive love, not just from others but from myself.

You can’t give to someone else what you haven’t possessed for yourself. What I should have told them was to follow their intuition, build their light, and to shine it brightly. I should have told them to care less about what others think and to share from a place of fulfillment not performance. I should have told them to focus on what makes them happy and talk about that instead of trying to figure out what interests everyone else. I should have told them to care less bout keeping everyone around them happy and focusing on choosing happiness from within themselves. The best way to serve others is to learn how to serve yourself. Be faithful with what you have, YOU, and you will be entrusted with more, OTHERS. There is a scriptures that says we must love others as we love ourself. If we don’t know how to love ourselves how can we know how to love anyone else? It begins with you.

Before happiness can come to you or from you, it must be IN YOU.

I suppose sometimes we need something to get our attention and redirect us towards the path of truth. I asked the Spirit how I was to help my body heal and she replied, “Stop writing, speaking, teaching, serving, and giving to make yourself feel valuable. You must come to the realization that you already are. The way you have been living is out of balance and alignment and your body is responding to it. Your mouth and your hand is shutting down, your “gifts” are literally going numb because they don’t want to “perform” any longer. They are being used wrongly ,to satisfy something that is broken and needs repaired. Continuing like this is growing a disease in your body and making it larger. Your body is alerting you to stop and fix the imbalance.“

I wasn’t expecting this response from the Spirit although I was ready, willing, and desperate enough to listen without arguing. I truly thought all I was doing was because I loved sharing, inspiring, and encouraging others. While this is true and while it is also my purpose for being here, when I was brave enough to look deeper, it had been coming from the wrong place. I was using my gifts to feel validated and to earn acceptance and love. The Spirit was showing me this was a weed in my garden that must be removed as it was now affecting my body.

All I had been doing was coming from a place of needing to feel valued, significant, and to feel worth.

I asked the Spirit to show me how to fix the problem. I was shown an image of me playing in my basement as a little girl. I use to spend hours teaching school to my imaginary dolls. I couldn’t wait to get home from school every day so I could finally be the teacher. The Spirit asked me what I noticed about the scene I was shown. What was immediately impressed upon my heart was that I was happy and that I wasn’t playing with anyone but myself. I didn’t need anyone else. I was in my own world and I was happy all alone. The Spirit showed me that I needed to write or speak from this place and with this imagery. I need to do it because it is fulfilling for me and because it makes me happy. I need to detach from how I will be received, whether or not the audience cheers, or whether or not someone unfollows or disapproves of me. This was feeding the disease of needing someone to “play with me” in order to feel loved and cherished. I needed to relax and let my nervous system heal.

I had to realize that I was loved, wanted, and included simply by choosing to be here and be apart of God’s plan for this time.

Why am I being so vulnerable to share such personal and intimate moments of my journey with you? Why am I exposing my life long battle of people pleasing? Because I’ve learned to come from a space of writing from fulfillment. Because it makes ME happy. It gives me joy to know that someone may be reading this who has failed to acknowledge that they are doing the exact same thing. Perhaps God will use this as their aha moment to unlock them from traveling as far down the path of this mind lie as I once did. And if that is the case, here is what I would say to you and here is what I would say to a much younger version of myself.

Your Higher Self/God loves everything about you. There is no displeasure or withdrawal from him. He is apart of you and your expression. He delights in watching you learn, explore, try new things, adventure, and discover what you love and what motivates you. Allow what will come to come. The pain you often experience is from a deep longing to have something special so you will be sought after and needed. This is a lie as you already have everything you need and are currently being pursued by the Creator of the Universe. The lies you are carrying are creating a burden for you as you are competing with the world to stand out and be special. The truth is that you already are. You are a pearl of great worth. It’s fulfilling to relax and know you belong simply because you are here. You were destined to be here at this moment in time to fulfill a purpose your soul came here to experience. If you are alive and breathing and reading this message, there is a reason you are still here.

Your beliefs are effecting the world. Heal them and you will make a difference in the consciousness of all mankind.

The Spirt gave me one final imagery or prescription and with a precise knowing of how perfectly it was suited for my heart. She choose to use the unconditional love and bond between a mother and a child, something the Spirit knew would be meaningful to me. She said, “I want you to learn to love yourself in the way one loves a baby. A baby is cared for expecting nothing in return. The mother is fulfilled simply by holding the baby. The mother is fascinated by the baby. The mother doesn’t get angry when the baby cries. She feeds it. She doesn’t get angry when the baby poops. She changes her child’s diaper. Her reward is in delighting in everything the baby does and watching the baby grow and learn. To the mother, everything about the baby is adorable, how the baby eats, how the baby rolls over, and even how the baby cries. I want you to learn to accept yourself in this way. I want you to see God loving YOU in this way. You seem to think that if you poop on yourself and make a mess of things, it changes God’s willful force to be for you, to love you, to heal you, to adore you. Change the way you view God’s love for you and change the way you love yourself.“

When we program ourselves with the wrong information our body eventually responds by not functioning properly. Lies make everything work backwards.

It can cause a perfectly functioning immune system given to protect you to turn on you. The very thing that was given to support us can when fed untruths can make it fight and work against us. With that said, here’s the good news.

Although damage may have occurred in our life or in our body, it can be repaired. It can be perfectly healed.

For me this began with loving myself, finding fulfillment without competition or comparisons, replacing lies with truths, and holding myself like the baby mentioned above.

Perhaps you have read this far because God wants to hold you like a baby. Perhaps He knew your view of His love needed to change to one of unconditional love and acceptance. Perhaps He knew you needed to know you were needed and wanted right now in what you believe to be your broken place. Perhaps we all needed a reminder of the importance of doing all things from a place of fulfillment and not performance.

You are amazing EXACTLY where you are!

Keep shining! As Dory says, “Keep swimming!” Amazing truths await you on your journey of discovery!

Perhaps the failure you are currently experiencing will be the catalysis for your greatest breakthrough yet!

P.S. Although I wrote this for my blog and will post it on social media, in my mind I am 7 years old in my parent’s basement teaching my imaginary dolls and 100% unequivocally, blissfully happy! Fulfillment never felt so good! I think my brain tumor just shrunk a little! 🙂