Dr. Harrigan, the neurosurgeon, called. Although the hemangioma has grown and bled to 1 mm from the edge of the brain stem where he can reach it, he said he still can’t operate as of yet. We certainly don’t want to be hasty to do open brain surgery. With that said, I am not a candidate for either the gamma knife radiation or surgery at this point and yes, the hemangioma is still bleeding. As of now, it looks as if this path I am on is still one of divine healing.

Every day my body shows more symptoms. The right side of my body is going numb including hand, arm, torso, leg, foot, and mouth. As school starts there have been many quite tears alone with my thoughts. My husband, mom, and sister did all my back to school shopping for clothing, school supplies, etc. I always enjoy these activities with the kids as we pick out their favorite things and I delight in watching their excitement. Tomorrow Rex will be doing Meet the Teacher for me. I must say there have been some really tough moments that pull tightly at my heart strings, like the moment I realized I couldn’t get Kate’s hair in a ponytail. Oh my friends, treasure the moments. Savor them well. If your six year old asks you to play with her, stop and play. Slow down. Look people in the eyes. Relish life and those placed to enjoy it with you. Don’t be in such a hurry. Don’t allow the electronics to distract you. Just be. Be present. Be purposeful. Be attentive. Be love.

Now, I want you all to know that I WILL overcome this. I know my prayer has been granted. I know healing is on the way. Whether or not God has granted my request is not in question. Ask and YE SHALL receive. Ahhhhh, but then there is MY part of the equation. We manifest in the physical realm that which we carry in the spiritual realm, that which we carry in our thoughts. To change what you see in the physical realm there must be a healing and change within your heart. As a man thinketh in his heart so is he. For far too long I carried the wrong emotions and feelings about myself and about God. I have not always wanted to live nor did I truly see the value of life. I suppose in one too many moments of depression and sadness I created my own exit point. I write this for the one who may be doing the same. Your condemnation, the guilt you carry, the feeling of being trapped, the comparison games you play, the insecurities you allow to plague you, the way you feel there is no hope, no one listening to you, those moments when you wish you could check out, those moments you want Jesus to come get you but for all the wrong reasons, how you are wanting to avoid the mess of your difficult circumstances, your marriage, your battle with your child. I beckon you, please stop. You are choosing death. I say to you, CHOOSE LIFE. It’s not just every day, it’s every moment. With every circumstance you are given an opportunity to choose anxiety, fear, defeat and despair which leads to sickness, disease, premature aging and ultimately death. I say again, CHOOSE LIFE. Moment by moment. Choose love. Choose forgiveness. This road leads to life abundant. Sow well that you may reap well.

Here is the good news and the saving grace for those who like myself chose wrongly most of my life. And I must say, my choices were hidden to the world. Though outwardly I appeared to have it all, inwardly I was very broken. I didn’t know how to love myself. I was depleted in two of the most essential ingredients for the human soul, self-love and self-belief. Insecurity, doubt, and fear are emotions no one should allow to remain with them, not for a moment, not at all.

This is what you must know. It took time to manifest this problem. It will take time to heal it though I do believe healing can spring forth more speedily than the mindset that created it. God is not to blame. Nor is Satan. I did not choose wisely because I allowed the storms of my life to distract my eyes from seeing the truth. I lost my focus and I sank into the waters.

But God. But Christ. But my dear friend Jesus.

God lifted me from the waters. He restored my soul. He put a new song in my heart. He gave me a beautiful, pure, love with a husband who holds the heart of a king. He allows me to feel romance and love every day of my life. He has given me the most precious children. They are sweet and caring and funny and kind. They are the best of heaven for my heart. I have a family full of faith and unconditional love. I have an entire healing team that nurtures and aids me towards beauty and health, and wholeness, and love. I have all of you, my precious friends who feel my burdens and prayerfully lift them with your concern, your encouragement, and your words of life. I have everything I need to turn this situation into a marvelous testimony of what can happen when we utilize the power God has placed within us all and when we absorb the power offered to us by those standing in the gap holding a space for our healing and our peace.

Is it hard? Deep breathe. It is the hardest battle I have ever faced in my life. Yet with that said, the difficulty is also a choice. It does not have to be a struggle lest I make it one. It is hard yet it is also so incredibly easy. The yoke easy. The burden light. Again, it’s just a choice. To wrestle with it or simply to approach the situation with ease and grace. Whether you perceive it or not, you face this battle as well. What is the battle you ask? To Master Thyself. When my body says one thing, but my mind is saying another. When my reality says one thing but my Spirit says another. Do I choose life? Do I position myself in the spiritual kingdom of heaven that exists here on this earth?

Like I mentioned earlier, my prayer for health has been answered. Ask and ye shall receive. PERIOD. Now the journey begins to receive the answer to that which I have prayed for. This is when you must tune the dial of your ratio station to the frequency you wish to obtain. I must be health to see health. Just as my mental condition accompanied by years of toxic thoughts not taken captive and dismissed brought disease in my body, my current mental state must be accompanied by all that I wish to see come to fruition in my life. In the mist of the raging storm, in the mist of my body freezing in numbness and in its weakened state, I must pull from the God Power within myself to mightily overcome. The spiritual realm always supersedes the holographic dream we see around us. What is done in the spirit will become the reality that appears in your mist. Where is the kingdom of heaven? “Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.” Luke 17:21 We must release that which is within.

There is a reason I tarry through the difficulty of pecking one key stroke at at time with my one workable left hand. My soul longs to share with you the answers to that which you seek to know. Your solution to your problem is within you. You are not a victim to your circumstances. Step one is acknowledging you created them. Once you can digest that you can move on to the best part. This is where I am. If I created this mess, I can fix it. Jesus wanted so desperately to help us understand. What we reap from our lives is coming from that which we sow thus why we can give so lavishly be that our belongings or our forgiveness. It all returns as a measure of justice from the Universe. There are such wise and beautiful laws that govern us.

On a side note, I do believe in opposition to that which is mentioned above, we choose before coming here to experience certain hardships for the soul growth the trial or circumstance warrants. There are certain divine virtues that spring forth through suffering that otherwise we could not obtain. Thus why we count them all joy as sheer gifts because the benefit to the soul far out weighs the brief and momentary discomfort. Perhaps my current circumstance is both scenarios, a choice prior to coming here as well as reaping where I have sown. Nonetheless, I am determined to be refined through the fire and come forth as pure gold.

Perhaps you will want to join me on this task of mastering oneself. One week ago I thought I was dying. I could not breathe. The fear that rose mightily within my body was fierce and did not want to leave. So what was there left to do. I loved the fear. Perfect love cast out all fear. Love dispels all hate. Love conquers all. I thanked the fear of death for showing me how desperately I wanted to live. I chose life. When I embraced the fear, loved it for what it was there to teach me, it no longer had a purpose through which to serve. It no longer needed to maintain its grip. Perhaps if we would but thank the problem for what it is there to provide us, the problem would dismiss itself in light of the acknowledgment of the solution.

Here is what I know. I must become a match to that which I have asked God to provide for me. If my focus becomes the lack of health or upon that which I am loosing, I will only attract more of the same. Jesus understood this when he said, “For to the one who has, more will be given, and he will have an abundance, but from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away.” (Matthew 13:12) We must have health if we wish to obtain more of it. We must have gratitude if we wish to obtain more things to be grateful for. Carrying my feelings of despair for one too many years created my current situation. Can I hold the feelings of health and life abundant in the mist of the suffering long enough to change and redirect the cells in my body towards a different outcome?

Please pray for me as I attempt this journey WITH GRACE AND EASE to Master Myself, to overcome that which I see and feel with my physical body. For now I see and feel defeat in my body. But this is just the physical realm. I must bring that which I hold in my heart and that which I feel in my Spirit forth. It is time to create a new reality, a new possibility. It is time to silence the fears and the self-doubt and rise with the Light of God as my strength. I wish to live and tell my story. I wish for you to live and tell yours. I want to hear it. Do not let that which you see affect that which you know to be true. The lies you carry in your body distort it from functioning properly. Emerge yourself in the truth. Clear the limiting programs and beliefs that have hacked your system and been a fog diluting your ability to see clearly the truth that will set you free. You are full of power, love, and a sound mind. You are mighty for the pulling down of strongholds. You are not separate from Christ. You are not his servant and he is not your master. You are his friend. You are his equal. Are not YOU a son of God, a daughter of God, a child of God TOO? Christ came to empower you. He came to tell you that you are one with him and with God, that as he was in this world so are you. God thinks you are amazing, capable, and a powerful creator of this world he has placed you in. What will you name it? What will you call it? What will you choose?

You may be a drop to the Wave but you are still apart of the Wave. You still hold the same properties, created in the same image, carrying the same capabilities of the Source through which you stem from. Little Drop, do not limit what you can achieve. A waterfall begins with only one drop of water.

I pray these words arrive in your heart as a blessed hope because the truth is you have been given all you need to change any circumstance in your life. It is possible for you to stand atop the waters as did the Christ. And I gather that if you master the waves and the raging storm, the other followers in your boat will deem it possible for them as well. Who knows how many you may encourage to step out of their boat and walk upon the waters with you?

Release the beauty of the beautiful kingdom of God living within your soul. Join me as I fix my eyes on that which is good, true, lovely, and of a good report. May this be your path to the happiness, joy, and peace you seek as well. Stop waiting on God. God is waiting on you. Stop fighting the enemy. Do as said the Christ. Love that which opposes you. Once the resistance has served its purpose, you embrace it, and you understand why it is there, it will no longer need to push against you. Ask the olive, the pearl, or the diamond. For this my dear friends is what you are destined to become. Don’t hate the fire or the pressure that has been provided that you may sparkle in the Light of the Sun. Embrace all that is there to make you a Pearl of Great Worth.

With love for your part in my journey,

Misti Rains Howell