So Long, People Pleasing

So long, people-pleasing. It’s NOT been nice knowing ya! 

Hands down the hardest battle I have ever faced in my entire life has been to overcome what people think about me. My earliest memories of this struggle began in kindergarten. I remember the teacher had left the classroom and asked everyone to be quiet until she returned. However, everyone in the class started talking and getting louder and louder. As I sat quietly listening to everyone chatter while trying to be a good, little girl, please my teacher, and follow instructions, I was getting increasingly nervous that our teacher was going to return and we were all going to get in trouble. Compelled to take action, I raised my voice as loud as I could and said, “Everyone, we have to get quiet! The teacher asked us to be quiet, and if she comes back and finds us talking loudly, we are all going to be in big trouble! Shhhhhh!” 

At that exact moment, the teacher walked in the room and said, “I heard several voices as I was coming down the hallway, but the one voice that was louder than all the others was Misti Rains, so Misti you need to get up out of your chair and stand in the corner until recess. You will not have recess today. I am so disappointed my class did not do what I asked you to do.” 

I still remember the flush in my cheeks and the cold chill and numbness that went all over my body. I was mortified, devastated, and completely ashamed. I loved my teacher so much and had only one objective, to please her. I wanted to help her. I wanted to be good. I was trying to use my voice to save everyone from getting in trouble, and yet I was the one standing in the corner feeling like a complete failure. I was embarrassed, and I felt my intentions had been completely misunderstood. I had failed to please. 

At that time, my teacher was heavily emphasizing the significance of coloring inside the lines. She would give special attention and praise to the children that colored well and stayed within them. I still remember going home and practicing my coloring every night so that maybe I could win an approving remark from her. I felt she didn’t like me anymore, and my main objective became to win back her full approval. I began to crave and almost need and long for praise from her. 

From that point going forward, I became obsessive about being the best student I could be for my teachers. As a five-year-old child, that experience subconsciously taught me using my voice for what I thought was for good, meant being humiliated and shamefully placed in a corner with my nose against a cold, concrete wall while all my friends stared at me. I suppose that was the moment when the little girl who was destined to color outside the lines began trying to color inside the lines. That was the moment when the little girl who was meant to use her voice, began to silence it to win the approval and stay in the good graces of others. I never wanted to feel that sense of shame or disapproval ever again, and I was prepared to work diligently to avoid it. 

That feeling stuck with me throughout my life and began to intermingle itself time and time again as the circumstances of my life became more complex in nature. I didn’t want to lose the approval of my friends, of my parents, of my boyfriend, or of anyone else for that matter. Most significantly, I didn’t want to lose the approval of God. And thus, I entered the world of compromising to keep myself protected, to keep myself loved, and to keep those praiseworthy comments coming. Life was now teaching me that people didn’t have the same love for me that I seemed to have for them. There were conditions, and there were lots of them. My friends had them, my boyfriends had them, and even God had them. 

I still remember not understanding something in the Bible and one day asking my religious superiors a question because it wasn’t making sense to me. The response to me was, “You are treading on thin ice, little girl. You are never to question the Word of God.” I was even told I might have a demon for daring to question if something in the Bible could be conflicting or wrong. I learned really fast that was a no, no. 

It took a very long time to overcome these moments in my life. They shaped my view of God as someone that was not welcoming of me to ponder, ask questions, or even allow me to think for myself and challenge things. That wasn’t allowed if you wanted to “color within the lines” and “please the teacher.” It took me almost forty years to find the true God, not the one that I had been taught to follow via the perimeters of mankind. It took me a diligent seeking to find the Christ that would allow me to sit at his feet, come like a child, and have a space of love to ask anything I want, to say anything I want, and to be ridiculously and unconditionally loved all the same. It took me even longer to realize, that God even admired and appreciated whenever I drew a picture outside the boundaries of what the world’s worksheets had placed in my hand. When the world was saying, “Just follow the example. Just stay within the lines. Just color the image we gave you,” deep in my soul I was saying, “Can I have a bigger piece of paper please? I’d like to draw my own image. I prefer to use a different medium instead of crayons. Do you have any tape? I’m going to need to design my own canvas. Can we splatter paint?” 

It became quite exhausting trying to be loved by every person and every group, all of which had different conditions and rules. I began to discover that all of them believed their ideas were right, and each group tended to only genuinely accept those that agreed with their ideas and principals. 

There was a book I read when I was a child by Dr. Seuss titled, “Are You My Mother?” It’s about a little bird who fell out of his nest while his Mama went to get food. He goes around to all these different animals and entities asking, “Are you my mother?” The little bird was looking for home. He was looking for where he belonged only to eventually discover none of those were the right fit. It took him a bit of traveling, but eventually, the little bird found his way home to his Mama. 

I entered different relationships or religious groups in my life much like that little bird asking, “Are you my mother?” Are you where I belong? Do you know what love is? Have you learned how to become it? Each time I would walk away sorely disappointed as most of them only seemed capable of loving those that looked like, talked like, and acted like them. Those who didn’t color in the parameters of their worksheet seemed to find themselves being ultimately shamed in the corner. 

And yet, I loved them all. I was fascinated by them all. Their differences, their unique perspectives, their cultures, and all of their desires to try to be better and do better. There also seemed to be a common ingredient amongst them all, to do their best to please their God. And sometimes in order to do that it meant judging or shaming others. But I could even understand them. I had been there once too. It’s hard to blame someone when in their heart they believe they are doing the right thing. 

I was legalistic once. It didn’t really happen on purpose. It was derived out of fear. Fear of not pleasing God, fear of going to hell if I didn’t perform well or get all the rules right, and fear of not being loved unconditionally if I didn’t follow all the conditions. So I was relentless about learning all the rules and getting everything right. Sure it made me feel uneasy, doubtful, worried, and constantly stressed out that if I didn’t find the whole truth or exact instructions I would be left behind, or worse punished. And sure that feeling was exhausting, was making me sick, and was separating me from people that I love, but in my heart I was trying to do my best. I thought I was doing the right thing. 

Today I’m in a much different space, but I have compassion for the legalistic folks. Most of them are just trying to please their God and color inside the lines. They genuinely believe there are conditions to God’s love for them, and as a result, they live their lives with a sincere need to get it perfect and follow of all the rules. I know. I get it. I’ve been there. Religion and my various travels through her different groups has played a massive role in my ability to say, “So long, people-pleasing” for good, but first before I articulate that, let’s take a glimpse into what I love the most about a few of them. 

I’ve love the Baptist, because no one can be for you in a difficult time like a Baptist. They offer so much more than just a casserole for every crisis. Some see them as too structured, too traditional, and too stuck in their ways. I see them as having this consistency and dependability about them that makes you feel the comfort and security of home. I can walk into any Baptist church right now and know they’ll be feeding you on Wednesday nights, planning for their next Vacation Bible School, and hosting a women’s bible study. I know there will be choir practice, Sunday school, and the comfort of those sweet soulful hymns. These folks can literally cook you out of grief one loving pot luck at a time. Baptist are beautiful. I could also throw the Methodist in with this lot. They are foundation builders. I owe most of the virtues that were instilled in my heart as a child from the beautiful lessons I learned within the walls of the Baptist and Methodist church. 

I love the Pentecostals, because hey, let’s just face it, when the sh*# hits the fan, these are the people that know how to bring out the oil and start scattering the demons. Need a tangible touch of God and a little electric jolt to shift you into a new place in your life? These are your people. There’s nothing like a little T.D. Jakes when you need to victory dance your way to a breakthrough. When you feel the whole world is out to get you and need some spiritual confidence, make your way to the alter of a Pentecostal church, and I guarantee you that you will never be the same. One of the most impactful, transformative seasons of life was spent with these beautiful souls. As a result of my Baptist upbringing and my speaking in tongues, there’s no doubt I could definitely fall into the category of a solid Bapticostal. 

I love Mormons because no one can do family like the Mormons. They have big families and big values, and I mean let’s get real, no-one is more committed to recruiting for their cause like the Mormons and the Jehovah Witnesses. They are diligent to be missionaries for what they believe it, and I can admire that. 

I love Hindus too. They are so beautiful and loving in their appreciation and respect for every human and every creature. I love how they live their lives, believing every action has an opposite and equal reaction. They genuinely live their lives doing unto others as they would have them do unto them. This is their creed, and they live by it. They are kind and gentle, peaceful and giving. They value ancient truths and have tremendous respect for their gurus and teachers, reverencing them as being vessels of the Divine. I am incredibly drawn to these gorgeous souls. The wisdom I have gleaned from studying their beliefs is still profoundly impacting me and moving towards greater goodness and respect for all. 

I love the New Age folks. They are the coolest Hippies I know. I say that with a huge grin on my face. I see them working so diligently to transmute their egos, heal the planet, and raise their consciousness. All that shedding of negative beliefs, inner child work, and smudging must be working to some degree, because these guys are some of the most humble, relaxed, accepting, and peaceful people that I’ve had the privilege of knowing. They believe everything in nature holds a purpose, including the animals, the crystals, the stones, and the plants. You can find them hugging trees and hugging people. Gosh, they’re just the best. Love those little Hippies. New Age is simply Old Age. The truths there are practically timeless and woven into every religion on the planet. 

I love the Native Americans. There’s this ancient, spiritual old world knowledge about them that’s so esoterically intriguing. They remind me the most of what the Israelites may have actually looked like. They live in tribes, they love smoke, and rituals, and seem to be led by words of wisdom, the laws of sweet Mother Nature, and the Great Spirit that guides us all. They are mystical and magical in a way that is mesmerizing and stunningly beautiful. They show respect to all life, including our beloved animals. They are unique, and they have persevered under the most unjust of circumstances. I especially enjoy reading quotes by Native American spiritual guides. They are rich, deep, and profound. They always shift me, and they always lift me. If I ever need healing there is no doubt I’ll be looking for a Native American Shaman, mixed of course with a little Pentecostal alter call, some New Age inner child work and chakra balancing, and a Baptist baked casserole dish. I’ll sample it all, please. And believe me… I have. 

The reality is that I could go on and on about all the religions and why I’ve discovered beauty in the hearts of all those that practice them. I see things about each of them that are terribly wrong and out of alignment, and I also see things that are so beautiful that they bring tears to my eyes and warmth to my soul. I believe there is some truth and healing in them all. I also believe they each have their broken parts simply because we are all to some degree broken vessels in need of mending. I suppose I tend to want to focus on what I love instead of that which I disapprove. 

My “baby bird journey” through the various religious groups in my life ultimately served to provide me with the greatest liberation from people-pleasing. I began my journey wanting to be a good, little Christian. I preached harder than anyone. I’m a pretty passionate gal, and when I love something, I really love it. I’m not one to just preach bits and pieces. Give me the whole meal, and I’ll disperse the whole lot of it. But something happened to me the deeper I immersed myself, and the more intimate God placed his hands into my heart. The more shattering and breaking my life endured, the less desire I had for preaching, and the more desire I had for loving. The more grace and kindness I felt fall from the heart of the Divine into my soul, the more that love consumed me. Ultimately, it was all that was left. And after experiencing that, my mission has become to spend the rest of my life, giving that love to others. There is no longer a need to qualify the recipients of it, nor do I need to know what the circumstances of their life are at any particular time. I am enamored with feeling their heart and looking into the depths of their soul as I peer into their eyes. I want to help heal as many as I can with that love. Quite honestly, it no longer matters to me what someone believes or what they have done or even what they are currently doing. Everyone is worthy to know that love, and I have found that when I release it without condition, I am freer, I am happier, and I am in alignment with who I believe with all my heart God has destined me to be. 

Because I chose love, I also lost “followers.” Some people simply need you to look like them, talk like them, believe like them, and minister to the world around you exactly like them. They need you to stay in their box where they are comfortable. But I wasn’t meant to color within the lines or stay in anyone’s box, nor was I meant to stay spiritually in a corner with my nose against the wall for the rest of life. I was not preaching the way some wanted me to preach. I start being more like Jesus instead of simply preaching him. The thing is I’ll talk to anyone, and quite frankly, I don’t care if they’re a scandalous woman sitting at a well or a “Samaritan” from a different sect or religious belief system that I’m not technically suppose to mingle with according to the religious law-keepers. Who am I to determine which hearts have found redemption? Sorry, a life within borders is not my kind of pretty. I’m not intimidated by being best friends with someone that is different than me. In fact, I’ll get a little intimate them. What others have left on the side of the road, I’m totally fine nursing back to health and paying for their spiritual, medical expenses. I’d rather serve a “Samaritan,” someone that believes differently than me, than spend valuable time trying to convert them, change them, or point out all the ways they are living their life in a manner that’s going to send them straight to hell. No, thank you. I’d rather just heal them and help them and keep my opinions to myself unless asked for them. But who knows, maybe that potent dose of love poured over them consistently will begin to rub off on them. Maybe it will ultimately help do something to change their heart for the better. Maybe that love will create more love. Nonetheless, I’m so filled to overflow that I’ve got to pour it on someone. It has to come out. It just has to. 

Here’s the thing. Life has taught me that people are going to judge you. They just are. They have their beliefs, and sadly, a lot of those beliefs are bigger than their love for you. Those beliefs will cause them to sometimes separate from you and reject you. But they are just beliefs. I have had people walk away from me, because I stopped validating their beliefs and ministering to the world around me like they needed me to so they could feel comfortable and secure. I stopped fitting into their box. And just like when I was five-years-old standing in that corner, I’ve felt misunderstood, and I’ve wanted to justify myself to those naysayers who have desperately needed me to look exactly like them. Sometimes people fear what they don’t understand. They may distance themselves from you if you take a road less traveled. Hey, you’re not alone. Even Jesus Christ could relate to this dilemma. 

People behave this way because of fear, because when you are secure in your relationship with the Divine, you’re not afraid of anyone. You’re not worried their demons are going to rattle or shake your faith, nor or you afraid of them pulling you away from it. The love inside of you is too profound. It’s too deep. It’s too solid. It’s not going anywhere. That connection is so real and true that you can sit down with anybody and have a cup of coffee un-triggered by their choices, their beliefs, or the circumstances of their life that may not look like what you believe is best for them. That love will just relax you. It keeps you in a simplistic peace that allows you to smile at people you don’t agree with. And it’s a genuine smile. It’s a smile and a glance in the eyes that says, “Hey, I love you no matter what. I’m not angry at you. I’m not disappointed in you. I’m here for you anytime you need me to be. Your demons are not stronger than my angels. I’ll sit here till you wrestle through them all. I think your mess is kinda pretty actually, because I’m not looking at where you’ve been. I’m looking at where you’re destined to be.” That’s the kind of love that overtakes people with a goodness that transforms the hearts of mankind. Nothing can defeat it. It’s the ultimate weapon. It weakens all defenses. It scatters any darkness. 

Love conquers all. 

So here’s the thing. If you can love someone that believes differently than you, then you deserve that same love in your life as well. You are worthy of the love you are capable of giving to others. So if someone needs to judge you or walk away from you, because you currently don’t fit their bill of approval, let them walk. Their love just isn’t big enough yet. And that’s ok. It may take a bit more brokenness before they can understand that in the end all that will remain is love. If they have taught their rules and yet failed to know and teach love, they will have missed the ultimate mark. 

I’ve had people leave my life, because I started being more positive, less judgmental, and less religious. Maybe it was because I had friends outside of my belief system, or maybe it was because I was having conversations with strangers at a neighborhood bar instead of the weekly bible study group. Maybe it was because I stopped preaching the Bible so much. I guess I made a decision to just start being what I thought the message was suppose to convey. I also started working to fix myself instead of making it my job to try and fix everyone else. Fixing me has managed to become a full-time job, and believe me when I say, it keeps me plenty busy. 

Jesus Christ spent most of his ministry teaching me how to live in this world and how to mentally, emotionally, and physically overcome it. That was his message, and I suppose it has also become mine. I’m not really focusing on trying to save people from a future version of hell. I’m focusing on helping them to mentally and physically deliver themselves from the hell they’re currently existing in. I want them to find that glorious kingdom that’s not just somewhere they’re going when they escape this world. I want to them find that inner safe haven, that glorious inner beauty that is a kingdom all its own. I want to help them not need to leave here to find their heaven, but truly learn how to bring heaven here – into the hearts of mankind. And there is a lot of little practical lessons and ways our life experiences can yield us wisdom that teach us the way to truly live in this super special and sacred inner kingdom of peace, light, and unconditional, transformative love. 

I could spent the rest of my life literally obsessed with what people think about me. If I let it, it could paralyze me. I could spend the rest of my life trying to prove my connection to the Divine or my spiritual worth to the naysayers who continually go around plucking specks from people’s eyes while literally blinded by their own planks. But these people are waisting the valuable time God has given them to look inward and heal what’s broken and distorted within their own hearts and souls. But the thing is, the problem isn’t outside of them. All wars and unbalance in this world stem from the desires that battle within the hearts of humanity. If people would focus inward and begin working to heal their own shattered pieces – their own judgments, their own anger, resentfulness, bitterness, self-righteous, their own lack of humility, and lack of love for all their brothers and sisters – real progress might actually begin to happen for this world. 

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” James 1:27 

The above passage is supposed to be the true religion, oh but no, this will not suffice for some people. Instead, they’ve made it their mission to save the world instead of learning to save themselves. They’re not focused on keeping themselves unpolluted by the darkness of the world. They have to go around pointing out how everyone else is being polluted by it. 

Every day I read thousands of energetic thoughts streaming from the hearts of those surrounding me. “Why does she feel the need to record these videos? Who does she thinks she is? I mean hasn’t she been divorced twice? That should definitely disqualify her from teaching me anything. She’s looks like a hot mess to me. Does she really think she has some kind of spiritual wisdom to share with the world? Oh, my gosh, look at her. What is she wearing? Did you see her dancing at that concert she went to? Was she drinking alcohol? She’s properly out of control. You know her Mom and Step-Dad died last year. She’s probably just escaping and needing some kind of attention and emotional validation. Bless her heart. I bet she’s having some kind of nervous breakdown. She’s too positive. She’s not sharing enough hell, fire, and brimstone. She must have fallen away from the Lord. Did you see where she let her daughter color her hair blue? I heard she’s going to Mardi Gras parties. She must be going to hell in a hand-basket. I mean, I occasionally have a glass wine at dinner, but I would never be authentic enough to post it on social media. What is she doing?” 

Do you get the point? Ya’ll, listen. You have nothing to prove. Don’t waste the valuable time that you could be serving those that are genuinely seeking by running around trying to convince everyone that you are trying to provide spiritual food for hungry souls. The people out there that are starving don’t give a sh*% about all that crap. They are salivating for the nourishment your soul has gleaned, and they are practically begging for you to pour it over them. 

You know who you are. You know the Divine connection you have. You know that beautiful Spirit that consumes you, fills you, and loves you so freaking ridiculously that you cannot help but fall in love with its goodness and want to radically change yourself for the better. Stop wasting your energy trying to defend that to people that can’t see it. 

If you’ve never experienced that kind of love, stick around me a little bit longer, and I’ll freaking give you a bath in it. You’ll get immersed. You’ll experience a metamorphosis, and I guarantee you that you will fly. It may take you a while. You might want to fight against it a little longer. But whether you get it from hanging around me or not, the fact that you are reading this blog right now is evidence that this love is coming for you and is going to continue coming for you till the day you die and then some. Why? Because you’ve cried for it, and heaven is listening to your soul. This love will never fail to be there for you. Ever. Because it’s inside of you waiting to be discovered. And when you feel like you least deserve it, it will be there for you even more. 

So maybe there is a little darkness left in your heart, or maybe you even feel it’s completely statured in it. Not a problem. Do you know what travels faster than the speed of light? Darkness when it encounters the Light. So stand next to someone that knows love and that knows how to unconditionally pour it over you, and watch the fruit that grows and comes off your vine. It will be rich, and it will nourish those who pluck it with a life-giving healing balm that can literally raise them from the dead. It can lift them from the absolute depths of despair and place them upon the highest mountain peaks. This fruit will produce kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control with you. It will give you hope when everything around you appears hopeless. It will produce love, because it was cultivated and birthed from having been shown love. And if that fruit isn’t good enough to convince someone you are an Ambassador for the kingdom of light, let them go. Let them mentally go. Let them physically go. Let them remain in the dark. 

Stop judging. Start loving. Maybe that girl posting all those selfies is finally learning to love herself. Maybe she’s not superficial or too into herself, or narcissistic as you may have judged her to be. Maybe she’s looked in that camera lens all her life and hated what she has seen. Maybe she has previously hidden herself away from the world and now she is loving what’s in front of her. Maybe she’s finally seeing her reflection in the mirror and has stopped judging herself so harshly. Maybe she was once skinny and to the outside world she appeared weightless but never felt more weighed down. And maybe she gained some weight, because she needed that journey – because it was easy to love herself when she felt like she was a perfect picture for the world. But now she is learning to love her self when she’s not that idea of physical or perhaps even spiritual perfection. And maybe she finally feels confident enough to share that beauty with the world. So be nice. Like her photo. One day she may not need to post those selfies anymore. Or maybe she will, because it makes her happy. Quite frankly, it’s not your responsibility to determine if she’s worthy of your love or respect. It’s your responsibility to simply give it. That love will ensure she gets sorted out and where she needs to be. This is assuming she’s not exactly where she needs to be which we humans like to determine for one another way too impulsively. 

Look, you’re never going to please all these people. Never, ever, ever. As soon as you make one group happy, you’re going to make another group miserable. So freaking emancipate yourself from that big old load of stinky manure. Be yourself. Stop trying to color inside their lines. Stop trying to be like them. For all you know, they could have it wrong. And maybe they don’t have it wrong for them, but maybe their right is your wrong. Maybe they need one path, and you need another. You can climb a mountain lots of different ways and still make it to the top to appreciate the view. 

Follow your Inner Voice. Let God lead you personally and directly. You may have less likes on your Facebook wall for daring to scribble outside the lines or perhaps daring to use paint instead of crayons, but you will be flippin’ happy as a clam. And why are clams happy you might ask? Where did the expression come from? Clams have to be dug when the tide is low. They’re almost impossible to find in high tide, and it’s too dangerous to venture too far out into deep water looking for them. Clams are happy at high tide, because they aren’t in danger of being made into a meal. So look here, if you want to feel safe and secure and happy as a little clam, stay in high tide, my Friends. Keep it happy, keep the vibes high, and stay away from negative Nelly’s that like to linger in low tides and low vibes. These people want to eat you alive, and they will if you let them. 

Clam up! Trust me, you’re happiness is more valuable to you than their approval. Keep shining! Keep living! And by all means, keep loving!